(THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND PLAYING)
This land is your land and this land is my land
From the California to the New York island
From the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters
This land was made for you and me
As I went walking that ribbon of highway
I saw above me that endless skyway
I saw below me that golden valley
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Can I help you?
Hi, I'm John Logue with the Kerry Campaign,
and we just wanna make sure we get all the voters out there.
We have you listed as a strong-leaning Kerry household.
I'm voting for Bush.
You are?
Sorry, no matter how many times people say that to me,
I just can't get over it. It's like I don't have the enzyme
to metabolize someone actually saying that to me.
Sir, would you at least take this brochure which helps explain why it is so important
to vote for John Kerry this year? And why Bush is evil!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi, I'm John Logue with the Kerry campaign.
Couldn't help but notice you have a Bush...
But the war in Iraq makes us less safe at home.
And he sold it to the American people on a boatload of lies.
Why don't you just let your president do his job?
It's a democratic election, ma'am.
This president has made, I regret to say, a colossal error of judgment,
and judgment is what we look for
in the president of the United States of America.
(WHOOPING)
(WHISTLES)
Okay, I wanna make a solemn promise
with all of you here as my witnesses.
Now, he's not gonna win, 'cause we've done our job.
We know who's gonna win, right?
(ALL CHEERING)
But if...
If George Dubya Bush gets elected President for another four years,
I swear, I promise on my life,
that I will move to Canada!
(ALL CHEERING)
No more Bush! No more Bush! No more Bush!
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING ON TV)
I would not give up this fight if there was a chance that we would prevail.
But it is now clear that even when all the provisional ballots are counted,
there won't be enough outstanding votes for us to be able to win Ohio.
And therefore, we cannot win this election.
Oh, I hate you. Oh, I hate you. I hate you.
My friends, it was here that we began our campaign for the presidency,
and all we had was hope and a vision for a better America.
WOMAN ON TV: Meanwhile, a jubilant President Bush celebrated his victory.
The President spoke of healing the divide in this country.
These words will go a long way.
And, Jeff, I think with this kind of support, the President...
JOHN: What were we thinking, collectively as a nation?
I mean, the second it happened, I said to myself, "Of course.
"There's no way Kerry was gonna win." 'Cause half this country's so stupid
they voted for this evil, warmongering, corrupt moron
with Dick Cheney's hand up his ass. And the other half
has such a self-defeating inferiority complex
that we nominated this wooden, unelectable opportunist.
Man, it was close.
Sort of. Not really.
I was just so excited to see what would happen to that look
on Bush's face when he realized he was finished.
You know, he's got that look, that... That kind of...
Curious George getting a bad hand job.
Now, what about your promise?
What promise?
Don't fucking play dumb.
They knew I wasn't serious.
You swore on your life, John.
You were on the news.
It was local.
You swore on your life.
I'm not moving to fucking Canada, Hal. I'll see you later.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
Hey, John, it's Matt. Pretty bummed.
I know how much this election meant to you, man. I'm really sorry.
I mean, for all of us. For me. For all of us.
Thinking about hanging myself or something. But, I don't know.
Oh, I'm thinking about going to the movies around eightish.
If you wanna go, give me a call before then.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
John, it's David. I just spoke to Hal, and I heard what you're gonna do.
A bunch of us were gonna do something, but you're really gonna do it.
Man, you're moving to Canada. Wow!
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
JOHN'S FRIENDS: (SINGING) Oh, Canada! John Logue is going to Canada
Hey, Craig, is she in?
Hey.
Oh.
Bad day, huh?
It just feels like a different country. Like, you can feel the depression in the air.
Oh, I know how hard you worked. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for all of us.
I've got bad news. If you're here for your old job back, it's gone.
What?
DigiHouse cancelled their account yesterday.
They what?
Yeah, they decided to go with a more conservative approach.
They're moving their operations to Nashville.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
Hey, I thought that blogging thing was really taking off for you,
you know, with the election and all.
Have you been reading it?
Yeah...
Angry Donkey.
Thedonkeyrevolution.com.
Right. Well, I checked it a couple of weeks ago.
I'm sorry.
Look, I will let you know if I hear of anything.
Maybe we can grab a drink this week.
I thought...
Did you give any more thought to, you know, us?
John, I...
What is that?
I know.
I've been meaning to talk to you.
I thought we were just taking some time off.
Well, you didn't even want to talk while you were away.
I was focused on the campaign.
I thought now was the time we were gonna discuss us.
Well, how long was I supposed to wait, John?
Apparently, not that long.
Who is it?
Don't do this.
Do I know him?
Craig?
(SHOUTS) Craig?
Craig?
I'm sorry. Okay, I should've told you sooner.
You think?
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
You've reached John Logue. I'm off campaigning
for the future of America right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you
on November 3rd. And don't forget to vote.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
GLORIA: Hello, John, I'm calling from MarryACanadian.ca
up here in Winnipeg, Manitoba. That's in Canada.
And we're an organization set up to help Americans establish roots here
after last week's tragic election.
We heard about what you're doing, and we'd love to help.
So, give us a dingle at 204-555-7328,
and ask for Gloria. Thanks so much, then.
JOHN: "Liberal ladies and gentlemen of the US,
"now that George W. Bush will be with us, tragically, for another four years,
"single American liberals will be desperate to escape."
HAL: Dude, I swear I didn't sign you up.
Then how'd they find me?
They didn't read it on your blog.
How do you know? Maybe they did.
Dude, nobody reads your stupid blog. And besides...
Oh, screw you.
So, what's her name?
MAN: Oh...
(PHONE RINGING)
GLORIA: Hello?
Hi, is this MarryACanadian.com?
You mean dot C-A.
This is John Logue. Somebody from your organization called me.
Oh, that was me. I'm so glad you called.
And you found my number how?
A friend of mine heard from another friend of mine
who saw on TV that you were planning on moving to Canada
if Bush won the election. So, we thought we'd give you a ring.
What are you, the CIA?
No. Canada doesn't have any invasive organizations like that.
We let people enjoy their privacy.
So, we've got people coming up as soon as tomorrow.
Well, I haven't even decided if... I haven't even decided if I'm going.
If you wanna come up here, we'd be more than happy
to help you get accustomed to living here in Winnipeg,
including finding a Canadian to marry for your citizenship.
Did you get a chance to look at the profiles on our website?
Yeah, I...
I thought it was a joke.
We've had some American news organizations treating it like a joke.
And these women are willing to marry me?
Well, it's a little more involved than that. I mean, they gotta like you.
Look, this is really...
This is really nice of you, Gloria.
Well, we're nice up here sometimes for no good reason.
Thank you, I'll be in touch.
LARRY: I wanna get out of corporate America, man.
You know, you've got a computer, they'll read your files.
Track everything you do.
I got my FBI file once under the Freedom of Information Act.
This fucking thick, man.
My girlfriend lives in Vancouver, and I've got a week's vacation.
Tall latte, no fat, extra foam.
So I saw your post, and I thought a road trip would be neat.
Last road trip I took, I listened to Neil Diamond, like, 70%. Of the trip.
Something about it just clicked with the landscape.
Right.
You got those multinationals just pouring propaganda into your brain.
And what are your political views?
(LAUGHING) Yeah, I saw that on the flier. Does it really matter?
You voted for Bush, didn't you?
So, it's cool if I bring my pet snake?
Well, you know...
Marry a Canadian, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, man, I'll have to look into that.
- All righty. - Looking forward to hearing from you.
- Okay. - Thanks a lot, Jack.
Okay. It's John.
Are you John?
Yeah.
Hi. Chloe.
Hi.
Sorry. I'm like an hour late.
Hi, you want a coffee or tea or...
No, I'm okay.
Oh, okay. Have a seat.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Sorry...
Chloe. Chloe Haymon or Hamon?
Hamon.
You know, that's Spanish for ham, you know. Or it's jamon.
I think it's an English name.
No one's ever pointed that out to you? Hamon, jamon?
You're the first. Congrats.
Well.
So what do you do, John?
I was a graphic designer. I mean, I am still a graphic designer,
but I gave up my job to work on the campaign.
So, you're gonna be looking for work up in Canada?
Well, my moving to Canada is a protest
against the recently re-elected administration.
Why? Are you somebody I should know or something?
What do you mean?
I mean, who's gonna care if you move to Canada?
Well, you don't have to be a somebody to make a political statement.
But, yeah, actually, the local news did a piece on me
and I write a blog called the Donkey Revolution.
Cool. So are you gonna have, like, cameras following you or something?
No, but I'll be documenting it on the blog. Pen's mightier than the sword.
What about you? Why do you want to go?
Oh, I'm with you. I just wanna get out of here as fast as fucking possible.
Were you working on the campaign?
Yeah.
Which group?
The main one. For Kerry.
The D.N.C.?
Yeah.
I heard you guys were more on the ball than the 527s.
Yeah, yeah, they were pretty good to work for.
Not good enough, though.
Yeah, I'm just so sick of it all. I mean, the dude lied to us.
And there's people dying over there for no reason.
And then he gets re-elected?
Exactly.
So, are you gonna be making a decision soon?
Well, I have a couple of more people to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very soon.
'Cause I could leave tomorrow.
Great.
HAL: I can't believe she's hot.
You could come, too.
- Are you two gonna share a hotel room? - We didn't discuss that.
Are you gonna share a bed?
It's only a few days' drive.
- Gonna share your fluids? - Oh, shut the fuck up, Hal.
I'm going up there to make a political statement.
Please. Did Gandhi go on a sex-fueled road trip
with some little communist hottie to protest British occupation?
- No. - No.
He fasted for weeks.
Martin Luther King, did he desegregate the South by boning white women?
I don't think so. He marched, he got spit on, he got attacked by dogs
and honky policemen, and then he got shot.
You're going on what I believe will be described by historians as a sex romp.
You were practically forcing me into this a week ago.
- He'll be gone in four years. - And then we get to get ready for Jeb.
JOHN: This country is too conservative. And it's not gonna change any time soon.
HAL: And you're really gonna give up your American citizenship?
JOHN: That's my plan.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Here, let me help you with that.
Nah, I got it.
- Ready to hit the road? - Yep.
I was thinking maybe we'll stop and pick up some groceries and a cooler.
I don't know your financial situation, but...
No, no, that's good. That's great.
Okay.
'Cause it can get kind of tense, two people traveling together,
if they're on totally separate budgets, you know.
One person wants to go to the finest restaurants in town...
No, no, no, I totally agree.
Good, I'm really glad to hear you say that.
If you open the glove compartment there...
What is this?
JOHN: That is a budget I put together.
It's got meals, gas, hotel rates, tolls along the route.
And also, I mapped out the best route to take. There it is.
Thanks. Thanks for doing this.
You're welcome.
CHLOE: Good to know you've got everything under control.
Yeah, well, I think it's best to do that before each trip.
You know, before each adventure, so to speak.
CHLOE: Should we stop for gas?
Yeah, but we gotta wait for a Coorco station.
Why?
Coorco is a Venezuelan company. No support for Middle East oil, right?
I know, Chavez is no saint, but at least he cares about his people.
What if we don't pass one?
No, we will. I mapped out all the locations along the route.
If you go to the tab marked "gas." There it is.
This is really detailed.
It's a program on the computer. It's just a spreadsheet, but...
It's more for fun, I do it. But I enjoy it.
Are you a vegetarian?
- Me? - Yeah.
No.
Huh.
Are you?
Yeah.
CASHIER: That'll be $7.55, please.
CUSTOMER: All right, there you go.
CASHIER: All right, here's your change.
You wanna drive for a while?
Isn't it stick?
Yeah.
I can't drive stick.
What?
I don't know how.
But the flier said you needed to know how to drive stick.
Didn't it say standard?
Standard is stick.
Oh, I thought standard was regular.
No, there's automatic and there's stan... You know, forget it.
It's my fault, I forgot to ask you about it when we met.
I've been meaning to learn. People are always ragging on me.
Yeah, it's okay.
You know, we never actually talked about the rooming situation.
Oh, right. Yeah.
You know, if we were gonna get one room or two.
I mean, I don't care either way.
Me neither.
Okay. Good.
How about, if they have single rooms with two beds, we take that,
but if they only have rooms with one bed, then we spring for two rooms?
Sure, or whatever... I could sleep on the floor. If we wanna save money.
I could sleep on the floor, too.
- Right. We could switch off. - Sure.
We only have rooms available with one king-sized bed.
A king's pretty big.
Let's get two rooms.
Sure. Yeah. There's probably more stuff once we get north. This will be easier.
Yeah.
- Two rooms? - Two rooms. Yeah.
- That's better. - Yeah.
Do you have Internet access anywhere?
Yes, there's wireless in all the rooms.
Oh, great.
Well, they have a... This way. They have a coffee shop downstairs.
Or I saw a diner when we got off the freeway.
Sure. I'll eat anything.
Okay.
So, just knock on my door in a few minutes, okay?
Okay.
When you win, there is a feeling
that the people have spoken and embraced your point of view.
And that's what I intend to tell the Congress.
I made it clear what I intend to do as the President.
It's one of the wonderful...
It's like earning capital.
You asked, "Do I feel free?" Let me put it to you this way.
I earned capital in the campaign, political capital,
and now I intend to spend it.
It is my style. That's what happened after the 2000 election.
I earned some capital. I've earned capital in this election.
And I'm gonna spend it for what...
... I've told the people I'd spend it on.
Come on.
BUSH: Been a fantastic experience, campaigning the country.
Come on.
You've seen it from one perspective, I've seen it from another.
Saw you standing there at the last, final rally in Texas, to my right over there.
I was observing you observe, and you saw the energy. There was just something...
What are you doing?
I was just... I'll figure this out later.
BUSH ON TV: Now that I've got the will of the people at my back,
I'm going to start enforcing the one-question rule.
That was three questions.
Our president, ladies and gentleman.
As far as Tony Blair's comments, I agree with him.
Middle East peace is a very important part of...
JOHN: I always hate when people tell me what to do, you know,
tie my shoes, or shave, or get a haircut, anything like that.
Anything else you don't like?
Sorry.
So what did you do before you worked on the campaign?
I was a teacher.
Really? What'd you teach?
Phys ed.
How'd you get into that?
CHLOE: I...
WAITRESS: And there's yours.
CHLOE: Thanks.
WAITRESS: And your salad.
Thank you.
And your biscuit.
So, tell me about that organization thing up in Canada.
Well, it's a group that helps people like us, who are moving up there,
find jobs and, you know, meet Canadians.
Sounds perfect.
Yeah, and the lady who runs it, Gloria, seemed really nice on the phone.
Aren't you worried about looking for work up there?
Well, graphic design's pretty portable, and I can always do some freelance.
Plus, I'd really like to focus on the Donkey Revolution.
What's that?
My website. The blog.
It's like the Daily Kos or Wonkette.
Remember? I told you about it when we met.
So, 7:00 tomorrow?
7:00's a little early.
What time, then?
8:00, 8:30?
8:30.
Good night.
COMEDIAN ON TV: Let me transfer you to somebody who can help you. Hello, FBI?
ANNOUNCER: Who's coming home for dinner, in the feel-good comedy...
In today's top story, Secretary of State Colin Powell...
... and three other Cabinet members have apparently submitted their resignations,
though Powell has told reporters that he will remain in the post
until a successor is named.
Letters of resignation were also delivered by Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham,
Agriculture Secretary Anne Veneman, and Education Secretary Rod Paige.
Concerns over the health of Vice President Dick Cheney
continue despite...
CHLOE: Okay, I'II... JOHN: That was good.
Now, let's... Okay, let's put it in neutral.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Put your foot on the clutch.
Now, you're in first. Now, you ease...
Okay, yeah, you can turn that thing any way you want.
And then... Okay, now, those are cars, so we're gonna want...
Okay, you wanna go left.
Good. This is lovely. What you're doing is right.
Okay, you know, maybe I should keep driving for now.
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: The Left just got a little bit louder on
The Majority Report.
WOMAN: The Republican Party, it is my contention, over these next four years,
are going to implode, between the paleocons,
the neocons, the Evangelicals, and the moderates. And they will be...
Hello, Mom?
Hi.
It's John.
Yeah. I...
I got a little surprise for you. I'm in Oregon and I'm driving north.
Yeah. Exactly.
I guess around 4:00.
Mom, look, I'm in Oregon. It's hard to predict exactly when I'm going to arrive
in Eastern Washington State, eight hours away.
I will call you when I'm closer, okay?
Just me and a friend.
Yes, and she has blue hair, and she might be a lesbian.
I'm just gonna tell you this now, so you don't faint when you see her.
Would you just tell Dad, so he doesn't...
Okay, me, too. Bye.
You ready?
There's something I kind of neglected to mention to you.
What's that?
My parents live in a small town in Washington,
which, unfortunately, we're gonna pass through tonight.
Why didn't you say anything?
I don't know.
I wasn't sure whether we should stop.
I don't mind parents, as long as they're not mine.
I can't do this.
Come on, give me the keys.
I'll drive.
- Really? - Come on.
(GHOSTS PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
When I laid in the sun, I thought about you
Let's put something else on.
When you laid in the sun, you said you saw
Wow, you got a lot of CDs.
I don't know how much time we're given
They're alphabetized. Aw.
Look, maybe you should just drive, huh?
CHLOE: Bushisms? What are these? I got it.
Yeah, here, I'll show you. Put one in.
And then after you'd left...
Here, it's a little project of mine.
BUSH ON STEREO: You're free and freedom is beautiful.
And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos.
So? He messes up sometimes.
I don't see why people make such a big deal about it.
... hauling in a lot of the key operators.
It's a huge deal. You have to listen.
The real story of his presidency is in the fuck-ups.
It's like Freudian slips.
... vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world.
And we will find these people,
and we will bring them to justice. I know the human...
It's like he tells everyone the truth in plain sight,
but people just pass it off as him saying stupid things.
See, it's the mistakes we should be listening to.
... the joy of Hanukkah.
CHLOE: I'm sorry, but you've got way too much time on your hands.
BUSH ON STEREO: If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier.
CHLOE: Anything I should know before we get there?
JOHN: About my parents? Honestly, they're gonna take one look at you and
slam the door in your face. Probably call Homeland Security.
CHLOE: I'm not that bad.
I don't know if I can handle this.
Come on, John, grow up. You're what, like, 30 years old?
Twenty-eight.
And you still haven't gotten over the whole thing of
bringing home someone your parents might not approve of?
It's a little more than that.
If I brought home a vegetarian, Luna Bar-eating tight-ass like you,
my dad would probably be forcing you to shotgun beers and bare-knuckle box him
before dinner was over.
But I'd bring you home anyway, if I liked you.
Thanks.
Besides, we're not even dating.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
MRS. LOGUE: Door's open.
JOHN: Hello?
MRS. LOGUE: In here.
(ROTISSERIE DINGS)
Could you give me a hand, please?
Hi, Mom.
MRS. LOGUE: Close the rotisserie, please.
Now.
How are you, John?
Mom, you know I don't eat meat.
Are you still doing that?
Last time I checked,
the agro-business-industrial complex hasn't changed any.
What have we here?
Mom, this is Chloe Hamon.
Oh, dear. Did you just pull yourself off a leash?
It's a necklace, Mom.
Actually, it's kind of a new look for me.
See?
That was you?
Dear, could you help me set the table? I hear his father pulling up.
Of course.
Okay, if we leave right now, we can be gone before she's back.
She's fine.
You had some style in high school.
MRS. LOGUE: John-John, your father's home.
Go ahead, John-John. I'll set the table.
(MR. LOGUE EX CLAIMS)
Come back to America-Town with your tail between your legs, eh, Comrade Lenin?
I thought maybe we'd cover hello before we get into politics.
Yeah, well, our man wiped his ass with your boy.
You heard the Vice President, said it was a mandate.
Well, if Cheney said it, then it must be true.
You are the poster child for what's wrong with America today.
You cynical, sarcastic, energy-sucking liberals.
All you ever do is whine, whine, whine, complain.
Complain, complain, whine, complain, complain, whine.
Bitch, whine, and complain. Whine, bitch, complain,
and criticize, and whine, and bitch.
Well, I'd rather sit back and listen to all that
than let your boys into the White House to ruin the country.
(CLEARS THROAT)
If that's the way you feel.
You see where we flushed out a bunch of ragheads in Baghdad yesterday?
Fourteen more US troops were killed. And the world hates us.
You probably think we need to pass some global test to do good in the world.
See, that's the problem, you just repeat whatever you hear
without even thinking about it. Some kind of flag-waving monkey.
You come on my program and you call me a monkey!
- Dad. - We're going to commercial break here!
Cut off his mic!
So tell me, why would an otherwise intelligent young man
like yourself wanna vote for the other side?
Mom.
I asked you a question, sir.
I'd rather not talk about this.
Well, it's unpatriotic, it's anti-American.
Being critical of your government's actions is one of the most patriotic acts
a person can make. Especially if the government's wrong.
(SCOFFS) Come on.
Didn't Vietnam show that?
The Civil Rights movement? Abolishing slavery?
No, you're living in the past.
People are dying every day.
Not just American soldiers, but Iraqis and Afghanis
who never did a damn thing.
Never did a thing! What about 9/11?
They had nothing to do with 9/11.
This is all just the White House pushing its arrogant, idealistic agenda.
It's the Cold War all over again.
That's right, and we won the Cold War!
Deposing dictators who were not a threat to our country in any way!
You are so out of line!
Of course, Bush wouldn't know that,
because he hasn't read a book since My Pet Goat.
Do you know that Kennedy read The Guns of August
during the Cuban Missile Crisis?
Our president listens to the people around him who know.
Who know what? All they're doing
is turning the people of the Middle East against us even more.
That's because they're getting the wrong information, it's the media.
We've got brave boys over there.
JOHN: Yeah, who are giving their lives for a huge mistake.
Next caller. Young lady, where are you calling from?
Uh, San Diego.
San Diego, California, you're on the line.
- Dad. - Don't call me Dad.
Next caller. Honey, open the phone lines, please.
- MRS. LOGUE: John... - Open the phone lines.
Yes, John.
I'll go get some more orange juice.
Is everything okay?
He wasn't always like this.
Our other son is in Iraq, you know.
I didn't know.
Of course, John didn't tell you.
Look.
We can believe different things, Dad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What about Perry?
He knows how I feel.
(STUTTERING) But, what if he were...
If he were to...
It's not about that.
Dad...
I cannot have you saying these things in my house.
Go on.
Get out.
We're leaving.
Mom.
Why do you provoke him like that?
I'm going.
Thanks for stopping by, John-John.
How come you never told me?
We've only known each other two fucking days.
Okay, don't fucking snap at me.
You know, it must be hard for them to listen to you,
with their other son over there.
I am doing the best thing for my brother and everyone else.
I'm trying to end this thing.
Still, they might not wanna hear it.
We're all so fucking brainwashed into thinking political opposition is unpatriotic.
That somehow it's against the troops.
Okay, John, I don't wanna hear a tirade right now.
I'm just trying to talk to you about your brother.
'Cause you can go back there and stay with them, instead of sitting there
trying to lecture me about something that you don't know the first thing about.
I know that this is a pointless war, and I'm sorry
that your brother has to be over there fighting it.
But just because I don't feel like running my mouth off every chance I get,
doesn't mean I don't have thoughts about this stuff.
RECEPTIONIST: Hi, can I help you?
Two rooms.
Just fill these out.
I'm sorry I went off on you last night.
Hey, it's a road trip, right?
We've gotta get on each other's nerves at some point.
Anyway, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
But I am in a good mood today.
Why is that?
It's border day.
- Wow. - Cross into Canada today.
- Already? - Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'm okay.
Look, I just wanted to tell you I'm okay.
Okay?
Bye.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Okay, well, we'll stop on the other side.
I gotta go really bad.
(SIGHS) Well, there's nowhere to pull over, okay?
Stop the car!
We're already here, okay?
Relax, we'll talk about it when we get to the other side.
No, I can't talk about it when we get to the other side,
because I can't go to the other side.
JOHN: Now, what is so goddamn important?
What?
I'm in the Army.
Excuse me?
I already did one tour in Iraq,
and I'm supposed to be shipping out again tomorrow.
You were in Iraq?
You were in Iraq.
Holy shit!
They let you look like that in the Army?
No, the hair, the whole thing was just for this trip,
and I was never a gym teacher. That's what my dad does.
Just drive me back to Spokane, and I'll take the bus home or something.
This was a stupid idea, anyway.
You're gonna give up now? We're, like, a mile from the border.
No, I can't. They'll run my passport.
You came on this trip for a reason, right?
Yeah, but I changed my mind.
So what are you gonna do? You're gonna go back to Iraq and get killed?
I'm sorry.
I wish I could take my brother to the other side with me, but I can't.
Come on, please. This is what we came for, right?
You can do this.
(CHATTERING ON RADIO)
- Good day. - Hi.
Passports, please.
Yep. Here you go.
What is the purpose of your visit to Canada?
We're visiting my aunt.
Where does she live?
Winnipeg.
What's her name?
O'Neill. Gloria O'Neill.
Are you carrying anything I should know about?
No.
Any reefer?
No.
American beer?
Beer? Is American beer illegal?
No, but it tastes like piss.
(CHUCKLING)
Welcome to Canada.
Thank you.
(WHOOPING)
(PEARLY GATES PLAYING)
JOHN: Whoa. Whoa.
CHLOE: Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
I see pearly gates
Held up by wheat
You can't expect to find heaven in Tennessee
My father was in the Army, his brother, my grandpa, my great-grandpa.
My mom was an Army brat. I mean, she lived in all these places.
Germany, the Philippines, you know, when she was a kid.
I don't have any brothers, so it fell on me. All the hope.
That's why you enlisted?
No, I didn't go right into the service. But college just wasn't for me.
I mean, I went for like a year and a half, and then I dropped out.
So, I'm going from job to job, making dick.
I'm living with this guy who I shouldn't be living with,
basically because I can't afford to live on my own.
Suddenly, following in the old family tradition
didn't seem like such a bad idea.
And it didn't bother you there was a war going on?
The recruiter promised that, since I was a woman, I'd never see combat.
You believed a recruiter? Everyone knows recruiters lie.
Maybe all your Fahrenheit 9/11- watching buddies in San Francisco know,
but this is a representative of the US Army.
I asked him three times, "Are you sure I'll never see combat?"
He looked me in the eye and said, "Yes." Three times.
Jesus.
And then I get to basic training, and there are all these fuck-ups
who are just looking for a way out of life.
People like me.
Do any of them like it?
Some do.
How come you never told me about your brother?
I don't know. It never came up.
Yeah, but you talk about the war and all that stuff all the time.
I mean, I was thinking, "What is this guy worrying about?"
It still matters, you know.
I gotta tell you the truth. I thought you were kind of full of it.
Maybe I am.
Seriously, is it really such a big deal for you, every day of your life,
that you have to move out of the country because of who's president?
Yeah. Yeah, people don't live what they believe.
How is this living what you believe?
Take September 11th. Okay, everyone gets all impassioned about it,
but after a while, time passes, life goes on.
But that's the way life is. It goes on.
Not for the families who lost someone.
Did you know someone?
My point is, a couple of years go by, and everyone gets all angry
about the war in Iraq, and Bush, and the election.
'Cause it's like, "Oh, my God, politics does matter."
But then Bush wins, and do we do anything?
Do we sacrifice anything? No, we just throw up our hands.
No need to save more, or use less gas, or volunteer, or do anything.
My vote didn't matter.
The work I did didn't matter.
That's not a place I wanna live in.
It sounds to me like you're running away.
Yeah, I'm running. I'm running from George W. Bush.
Oh, Canada.
(LAUGHING) Well, one of them slips and gets his foot
in the actual, like, toilet water.
- Shut up. - No, no, seriously.
And they have that, like, "one billion flushes" blue shit in there.
(SHUSHING)
CHLOE: Okay, we got two left.
Oh, good.
- We need to drink. - Two for me.
(LAUGHING) Cheers.
I'll catch up with you.
How did I get so tired?
You know what you need? Music.
Why, will you dance for me?
I might. I could be persuaded to dance.
MAN ON TV: Let me know what you think about the fact that we're thinking
of making the sasquatch the national animal of Canada.
MAN 2: I think that's pretty cool.
CHLOE: So is this place we're going to some kind of office?
JOHN: I'm not sure. It's not like I've ever been to Winnipeg before.
CHLOE: Well, me neither. It's just, I didn't bring my resume.
JOHN: Well, you can just tell them that you look really good in camouflage.
CHLOE: Shut up.
JOHN: Yes, sir.
Oh, John Logue!
Oh, my God, you're even cuter in person.
Hi. This is Chloe.
Hi, I'm Gloria O'Neill, president of Marry-A-Canadian. Oh!
- Oh, I love your hair. - Thanks.
Come on in. You just missed the ceremony.
Ceremony?
Howdy, folks. Somebody here order the 40-incher?
That's us. Thanks.
John?
Oh, okay.
GLORIA: Here you go, keep the change.
Okay, this way.
Okay.
Sorry about the cold. It was 27 last week. That's about 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
I was sunbathing nude in the back, and now...
(SHIVERING)
You might have to turn it diagonal there to get it inside.
JOHN: I got it.
Come on in. I'll be right back.
(FUNKMUSIC PLAYING)
Did those two just get married?
He's American. She's Canadian. We officially rescued our first liberal
from four more years of Dubya.
How long have they known each other?
Met two days ago. But you have to get along pretty well
if you're gonna get hitched. Because to get citizenship,
you have to live together for about six months.
That's a lot to figure out in two days.
Oh, John, some of the girls you flagged are here.
So I want you to settle in, get your bearings,
by which I mean have a few drinks,
and I'll introduce the two of you around.
But you! You're just as cute as an otter. I won't worry about you.
Here, let me take your coats.
Thank you.
GLORIA: Here, and put these on.
And beer's out front, wine's in the kitchen, and mingle.
MAN: And there she is, the woman...
This is like a mixer.
No, it's more like a NAFTA summit meeting.
You didn't tell me it was called Marry-A-Canadian.
Oh, I just thought it was the name of the group. Not literal.
Yeah, when you were flagging girls?
Do you want beer or wine?
Both.
(SIGHS)
Hi. Scott. First time in Canada?
Yeah.
We got this thing here called the Tall Poppy Syndrome. You know it?
No.
Well, see, in a field of poppies,
they'll cut down the ones that stand above the rest.
So, no one wants to stand out too much.
You're welcome.
We've got everything you need. All the artsy stuff, if you're into that.
- Sure. - All the sports stuff, too.
I'm surprised you haven't heard of that. Really famous.
Well, I arrived at about 3:00 yesterday or so.
- "About"? - About.
I'm sorry, "Aboot."
"Aboot"? No, I mean... What do you mean, "Aboot"?
Well, you're saying it funny. You're going, "Aboot."
People who used to vote Democrat for economic reasons,
well, they're now voting Republican because they think it's more in line
with their moral values.
Well, when we were working in Ohio,
all they had us doing was going to supporters' houses...
Why don't you pass me one of them cold ones, little lady?
So, do you wanna get married?
No. And, anyway, I'm an American, too.
So? How about get laid?
No.
You wanna know a secret?
I don't even hate Bush.
I mean, that's what I came here for, the bush!
Oh, jeez, sorry. I've got... I'll be right back.
Hey! We're putting you in the penalty box.
Sorry, I'll be right back.
Are you having fun?
Yeah. You?
This is like a bad seventh-grade dance.
Excuse me. John?
Yeah. That's me.
I saw your profile on the website. I'm Rebecca.
JOHN: Hi.
So, you're a blogger? I'm a bloggee. I've read your blogs.
Oh, we should totally blog.
Fuck him! Fuck it! I don't wanna hear what he says.
In fact, I wish that motherfucker was dead.
I'm running from my own country like a refugee.
Baby, listen to my wordplay
The time's short You better get onboard
Before the bandwagon fills up and we on tour
And we don't care We making money off rap
And I didn't used to sell crack laughing at
All these dudes telling lies for the fame and wealth
I'd rather kick back and just be myself
GLORIA: Night. MAN: Night.
I assume you two aren't... I don't mean to put you on the spot.
No.
No, we just met a few days ago.
(CHUCKLES) Around here, that means you could be married.
Okay, Chloe, I'll give you the last free bedroom.
You look like you need it. And feel free to use the computer.
This way, John.
I've got this foldout for you.
Okay.
So did you meet anyone you like?
Did you notice that the people here are not very political?
I know. I know.
When you start something like this, you take what comes.
Sex and politics. What do you think the '60s were like?
I don't know. I wasn't born.
I'm gonna get my stuff for the...
For that. You're there. Okay.
Gloria offered to show us around Winnipeg tomorrow.
Great, that should take about 10 minutes.
I thought it was nice of her.
Yeah, everyone here's real nice.
What's your problem?
It's freezing.
It's not always this cold. It was 27 degrees...
27 degrees last weekend.
Yeah, I heard that about a billion times already.
That, and the tall poppies, and the universal health care.
You know what? My health care was covered just fine by the US Army.
Yeah, I hear Baghdad Medical has really great treatment for car bomb accidents.
Yeah, real funny, John.
What are you so mad about?
You lied to me.
I lied? I never lie.
Lying by not saying something is still lying.
You didn't tell me this thing was about getting people to marry each other!
I didn't know.
You didn't know? The goddamn thing is called Marry-A-Canadian.
What about a certain lie by omission about you being in the Army?
That's different.
Yeah, it's much worse.
Who the fuck are you, John?
You know, you're not making some big statement by coming up here!
You're just some big, hypocritical, liberal pussy. All talk and no action!
- I was on the news! - Big deal!
You don't think the Donkey Revolution affects people?
Six people have read your blog, John! More people have read my diary!
What about the fact that I went to Ohio for the election?
Yeah, for like a week.
Oh, I bet you didn't even vote for Kerry.
I didn't vote at all!
You know, I was gonna ask if I could sleep in your room tonight.
After you ignored me all night?
What are you doing?
You think I'm all talk?
I'm gonna do something right now.
You're drunk.
I was gonna do this last night, but...
Ow!
You would've been a lot better off trying that last night.
Ow!
CHLOE: Pussy!
Must've been a nasty slip. Here put this on it.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, stairs can be tricky sometimes.
Be right back.
(GROANING)
I don't bite, John.
You don't have to wear those jeans to bed.
You certainly don't have to sleep on that sorry little death trap
when I've got this great, big, comfortable bed right over here.
Come on.
(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)
GLORIA: Hot scrambled eggs coming right up.
John, more O.J.?
No, no, I'm good. Thank you.
JOHN: It's like everything is just a little different here.
GLORIA: A little? It's way different.
JOHN: Reminds me of what America was like when I was a kid.
Fewer chain stores. A little... It's a little grayer, but...
It's like the '80s without Reagan.
CHLOE: Bullshitter. You don't even remember Reagan.
You probably don't know who Reagan is.
Now, children, it's not about how everything compares
with what you have in the States.
We have plenty of our own stuff going on here.
Like what?
CURLER: All right. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
All right, sweep that! Go! Looking good!
Good shot.
What is that?
This is my curling sweater. You've never been curling?
I'm from San Diego. I went to the beach.
I was kidding. Come on, it'll be fun.
Oh, my jaw is fine, by the way. Thanks for asking.
GLORIA: Okay, push the rock. You can do it. Good. Good.
Great, now what?
GLORIA: Okay, let go of the rock.
Go!
- Sweep! - Sweep!
Sweep! Take my broom!
CURLER: What am I supposed to be doing here?
Okay, I'm like the stone. Sweep!
You know, I've been meaning to tell you. I respect what you're doing there.
You mean eating these nasty fries?
I'm from a poor-ass neighborhood in Detroit.
Half my friends are over there, so I know one when I see one.
What gave it away?
Why else does a cat like you move to Canada?
Are you in the service?
Me? Hell no.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
(JOHN GROANS)
Let me get that for you.
Oh, no, I can do it.
I thought after lunch we could go down to City Hall and get our marriage license.
I don't know.
Well, don't worry. It just means that
we have up to three months to actually do the deed.
Oh, okay, great... Good, so no rush.
'Cause, you know, I've only been here a day.
No, I don't wanna force you into anything, sweetheart.
It's just that you wanna be able to do what you came here for
and, like, really make a difference.
Yeah.
So you need to start the process to become a Canadian citizen.
Well, I can apply for asylum.
I wanna tell you something, John.
Okay.
You're the one I've had my eye on ever since we first talked on the phone.
Really?
Yeah.
I read your blog. You're an amazing writer.
You've got brilliant ideas.
I think you're a genius.
No, I'm not. Well...
You need to keep writing. Keep experiencing.
True.
Wasn't last night incredible?
Mmm-hmm.
We're not in love with each other, John.
Oh, I...
I know, we're political activists.
I wanna do this for you. I wanna make you whole.
Can I talk to you for a second?
About what?
I think you know.
Isn't this what you came for?
I don't know if I'm ready to do this.
Hey, if the fact that she's a freaking cult leader doesn't bother you,
neither should the fact that she's almost 50.
No, it's not Gloria. I like Gloria.
Good for you.
Listen, I know you punched me in the face last night, but...
And I'll do it again.
I just wanna talk to you before I go in there and do this.
I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not your babysitter.
You tried to kiss me last night, and now you're marrying her?
No, but I'm making a statement.
Yes, you are.
Gloria, how are you?
Been showing my friends here around the Peg this morning.
SECRETARY: Oh, jeez, with the traffic downtown these days, eh?
Oh, it wasn't bad.
So, what can we do you for today?
We're getting married.
People are just less selfish around here, you know?
Not always trying to get ahead. Just seems in the States,
people don't realize that they're living in a society.
And you'll have health care once you're married,
which is pretty darn important.
Is it true that 45 million Americans are not insured?
How do Canadians know all these facts about us?
It's like a one-way mirror across the border, right?
We look across and see you, and your movies,
and your politicians, and your Paris Hiltons.
Then you look across the border, and you just see yourselves.
Like I said, selfish.
You know what I said to a friend of mine
when he told me he was moving to the States?
I said, "Finally, you can tell me how 300 million fat, stupid people
"manage to run the world."
Badly.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, it's not that everyone's stupid.
Right, fat and stupid.
I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.
We try to be, but you guys have been pushing it lately.
It's not us. It's our leaders.
Who elects the leaders? The people.
Technically, in the States it's the Electoral College.
See, that. How do you know that fact?
Because we have to take a whole year of stupid US history.
Could you imagine if you had to take a whole year of Canadian history?
No. No, I couldn't.
Now, let me get your witnesses in here, and we'll have you ready to go.
He doesn't like us very much.
Oh, he likes you.
No, I mean Americans. The US.
Oh, don't worry, you're one of the good guys now.
Now, sign here.
And you're one step closer to being a Canadian.
There.
All I can see is black and white
And white and pink with blades of blue
That lay between the words I think on a page
I was meaning to send to you
Oh, fucking Canada!
GUESTS: Mazel tov!
GLORIA: You may kiss the bride.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
And I have an announcement to make. John, get up here. Come on.
I did my own piece of salvation today.
John and I went down to City Hall to get our marriage license.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
Cake and drinks for everyone. Let's party!
(WHOOPS)
I'm the man who loves you
We're leaving.
Shouldn't you ask your wife first?
I'm serious. Look, go upstairs, get the bags.
I'll meet you outside with the car, okay?
You're just gonna sneak out like that?
You can't go.
What do you think the mother hen over there is gonna do when she finds out?
We'll be gone before it matters.
This is how John takes a stand. He runs away.
Fine.
That's how John makes a stand.
I can't let you go, Chlo.
We just met.
You can handle a piece, right?
What?
We cross at Niagara Falls, and then we head south.
When we get to D.C., we go straight to the White House.
We track them for a while. And then when we get a chance,
I take out Bush and you hit Cheney.
I been planning this for a while. I just needed a partner.
You know, Bonnie-and-Clyde style.
I can't let her go with you, man.
Don't you think that's her choice?
She's made her choice.
Don't fucking threaten me!
GLORIA: What's going on over there?
No idea.
Look, Gloria...
Thank you for your help and your hospitality, but...
You're leaving?
Yeah, I know we said some things,
and, well, we did some things that maybe gave you the wrong impression,
but Chloe and I have to be going.
- Yeah, thanks for everything. - JOHN: Yeah.
I'm just not ready, you know. Maybe if we'd given it more time, but...
- This is just so American of you. - What?
Everyone has to do what you want, on your schedule. And you bring a gun!
Okay, now, I'm getting a little pissed off
at everyone shitting on Americans all the time.
Just go invade Iran, or whatever it is you were going to do.
I'm sure we will, eventually.
- I mean, it's the way things are going... - Just leave.
Thank you, Gloria, for the giant pizza.
- RANDALL: Hey! Hey! - Don't move!
Just give me the gun, Chlo. Chlo, I need the gun.
Come on, I was joking about the Bush thing. Chlo! Chlo!
Don't do this, Chlo!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- What about the gun? - Shit.
Oh. Okay, what was that move you did back there?
(LAUGHING) That was amazing.
Whoo!
We're going to Vancouver, okay. That's a real city.
- You got it. - Find some normal people to hang out with.
People our age.
And, I don't know, open up a health food store or something.
CHLOE: How are we doing for gas?
Good.
- We should stop. - Just gotta wait for a Petro-Canada station.
Not this again.
I read somewhere they use only Canadian-produced oil.
Look, I'm not running out of gas because of your stupid Middle East oil theory.
There are a thousand of them. And we're not gonna run out of gas,
we still have a quarter of a tank.
And it's not a theory, it's a fact.
I'm sorry.
Sit anywhere you like.
Actually, we had some car trouble.
What's wrong with it?
This is the man you wanna talk to.
We ran out of gas.
Gas station's closed this time of night.
- Great. - But I could siphon you some if you want.
That would be great.
Here, let me finish my food.
Why don't you sit down and order something?
So what brings you to this sparsely-populated neck of the woods?
We came up from San Francisco.
No shit! That's where I'm from.
CHLOE: You're American?
Yeah, but I been living here more than 35 years, now.
I'm afraid that won't take you very far. Listen, I only live a few minutes away.
Why don't you crash at my place tonight and fill your tank up in the morning?
You sure?
Yeah, no problem. Company's a rare commodity up here. It's always welcome.
Follow my truck.
JOHN: How'd you find this place?
I built it.
Old school, just like the trappers and settlers used to do it.
It's kind of like a...
Lincoln Log house.
Yeah, it's got everything you need.
Heat, water, comfort. Excuse me.
Here you go.
- What is this? - Charlie's Best.
Yeah, I make beer. That's a lager. I also make a Manitoba Pale Ale
and a Strawberry Statement Stout. That's a fruity kind of darker brew.
Strawberry Statement, wasn't that, that thing at Columbia University?
(BEER CAP POPPING)
You know about that? That's me.
(CHARLIE LAUGHING)
You wrote The Strawberry Statement?
No, no, I was just involved in all that.
CHLOE: I'm sorry for sounding ignorant, but what is The Strawberry Statement?
Oh, when I was in college, a bunch of us took over the university buildings
to protest the war in Vietnam. Then I got drafted,
and when they refused to accept me as a conscientious objector, I moved here
and I've been here ever since.
So you were a draft dodger?
Yeah, I don't particularly like to use that word, but...
I think it's great. We're actually moving up here to protest the war.
You don't say?
JOHN: Make a change in the current administration.
What a bunch of assholes, huh?
So, in a way, it's like we're carrying on your work.
You know, I always say that people my age don't have the dedication to their beliefs
that people from your generation had.
They say they believe in something, but they don't do anything about it.
Do you like it here?
Well, it's my life.
Would I do anything different? Probably.
But what you did stood for something. You took a stand against an unjust war.
Yeah, and you think anybody gave a shit? I mean, that's what I thought at the time.
But in reality, I was just saving my ass.
You know, nowadays, hell, they don't even have the draft.
These soldiers that come up here, what are they running from?
So, what do you think?
It's good.
JOHN: Can I try the Strawberry Statement?
It's not available right now. It's a seasonal brew.
Well, I gotta get some sleep.
Have as much of the brew as you want. The bathroom is the outhouse.
And there's buffalo skins in that chest over there if you get cold.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
Wow.
It's good.
It is.
Oh, come on, drink it.
I am, I just wanna let it breathe.
(GIGGLING) Yeah, right.
It's true. We really didn't do anything.
I was too drunk.
You mean you couldn't get it up.
I was too drunk.
That's perfect.
I thought something was going on between you and Randall.
He was a terrorist.
But at least he was talking to me.
I'm sorry I was an asshole.
Yeah, you're pretty insensitive for a liberal pussy.
You want another beer?
- Sure. - Allow the liberal pussy to go get them.
So where to now?
I thought we'd live here.
I'm gonna go back.
If I don't face it all now,
I'm gonna end up living in a log cabin in 30 years in the middle of nowhere.
That won't happen unless you let it.
Or I'll end up marrying
some crazy Canadian hockey player just for the citizenship.
No, there's people we can talk to. They have lawyers that deal with this.
What would your brother think? Honestly.
Because I know what the rest of the troops in my squad are thinking right now.
My brother's dead.
You serious?
It happened about three months after "mission accomplished" and all that.
His Chinook went down near Basra.
It was totally pointless.
And your parents? They don't know?
Denial.
I'm so sorry.
We couldn't go five minutes without getting into an argument,
so I didn't talk to him for about four months before it happened.
He was just doing his job.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
Listen,
just drop me a mile from the border or something, and I'll walk over.
You know, the election, my stupid blog, this whole trip,
you're the only good thing that's happened in quite a while.
So, I can take you.
If you're with me, you might end up getting involved.
Getting detained or something.
Just drop me off, and then you can head on to Vancouver.
If I kiss you now, are you gonna punch me?
No.
Are you sure? 'Cause...
Yeah.
'Cause it hurt.
Hey, you gotta get up.
Hi.
We have to go.
Wait, did you kill a bear last night?
(CHUCKLING)
Give me your hand
The dog in the garden row is covered in mud
And dragging your mother's clothes
I can walk from here.
I'm gonna take you.
Seriously, you don't have to.
John, stop the car.
You gonna be okay?
Sure.
When do think your trial's gonna be?
Can't say.
And what then?
If I'm lucky, I get some kind of dishonorable discharge.
What about you and me?
Seriously?
Yeah.
"Politics makes strange bedfellows."
I read that on thedonkeyrevolution.com.
You read that?
You're pretty good. More people should be reading.
Hi, there. What's your citizenship?
JOHN: US.
How long have you been outside the country?
Just a few days.
OFFICER: Have you been to any farms while visiting Canada?
JOHN: Does a log cabin count?
OFFICER: No.
(GATE BUZZING)
- Hi. - Hey, there.
I got something to show you.
I can't believe you're really doing this.
Well, if I don't, who will?
Missed you.
- Let's go. - Okay.
It's all here
Today is the only day
The old times make way for the new
Some fruit punch spills on a tablecloth
But there ain't no mess to clean up
Garbage in a can sticks together
The tiniest of things are forever
Drop a couple coins and a feather
And watch them float away at the same time
Song is made with sugar and lemonade
Sing on the porch, swing along
Me and you having a barbecue
Sticking our thumbs in the air
Meeting of some notes on a pocket
Sitting in the sun with some chocolate
Drop a couple pens and some pencils
And watch it all fall right into place